Trial #1: Fat Man Run

If you're like me then running is not something you do for pleasure. In fact, it's probably only something you do for two reasons: 1) to get away from someone who is chasing you, or 2) you were walking down a very steep hill and gravity just forced you into running.

For the last week or so I've been getting into my bed at night, finishing off a grilled-cheese sandwich and a tall glass of almond milk (see, I'm a healthy eater) and making myself a promise: tomorrow I will run in the morning! However, every morning it's the same thing. First, my alarm goes off. I turn it off and walk to the window. Second, I look outside and think, "Gosh, it's (insert anything that would be off-putting) outside, I should probably not run today. Third, I get back into bed thinking how I would have run if it just hadn't been so darn _____ (insert whatever it was that made me not want to run in the first place). The excuse that's made me realize that I was just avoiding exercise was, "Gosh, it's really big outside, I probably shouldn't run today."

 No they didn't look like this! 

I obviously wasn't helping my cause. So, I started getting prepared to run on that inevitable day when it wasn't hot, cold, humid, muggy, light, dark, or big outside.  First, I got a pair of sneakers out and put them near the door. I figured, this way, they'd be there when I need to run. Then, I charged my ipod, so I would be able to listen to music while I ran (this is what people do when they run, right??).

Finally, last night, I made what was possibly the critical step: I got my running shorts out.


Now, I don't want you to picture that I had shorts that were specially designed for running with breathable fabric or anything like that. No, they were just the only pair of "working out" shorts I owned. It looked like running was about to become a reality.

They may have looked a little more like this (not really!)

Thus, this morning when I woke up, I made a decision. I walked to the bathroom instead of the window. In the bathroom I found my shorts, which I put on. Then, I walked to the kitchen to get some water. Guess, what, my shoes were staring at me. I put those on, grabbed my ipod and I was ready for an EPIC run!

Then I got outside.



I have to say, I love the early morning chill. It's usually beautiful and I do enjoy the fact that it's so quiet in the morning. So, I left my apartment and began jogging. I don't know about you, but because I've never run before I had no idea what it would feel like. It started off well. My hands were pumping by my side, my music was going, and my feet were churning. I felt like I was the fastest man in the world.

I'm going to generalize from my very limited experience and say that whenever you start running (or whever you start running again after a long time) the first few seconds feel awesome!

 I was like, "This is awesome! I can do this for hours! Bring on the Run!!!"

Then, I hit my wall. Apparently, the wall is something that marathon runners hit at some very large number of miles in which they just can't run anymore. I hit mine within the first 5 minutes.

No longer did I feel like I was flying, instead I felt like I was wading through jello. My breathing was heavy, my legs hurt, and I wondered what that burning sensation was in my chest. "Who does this for fun?!?!?" I would have screamed but it was 6:30 in the morning and I figured someone would be pissed. Plus, I didn't exactly have air in my lungs. Anyway, I ran for about 10 minutes. During that time, the blood seemed to rush to my mouth, my mouth filled with saliva, and my head was spinning.

I ran until I literally couldn't run anymore. Sad, I know, but I tried. Anyway, I walked up my steps and sat down on my bed. Now I know what it's like to be a fat man and try to run. It was not a pleasant experience. Conventional wisdom would seem to indicate that the more you run, the more your body will get used to it. But after the first time this was not fun.

I literally felt parts of my body that I've never felt before. I can honestly tell you, too, that they did not feel right. I know it's possible to pull a muscle, but is it possible to pull a stomach? Ugh, I felt terrible. I thought, running was supposed to make you feel good. I actually had to lay down on my bed for a little bit before I could move again.





I finally recovered took a shower and felt confident about myself. Maybe I'll actually stick this thing out. I mean can you imagine, maybe one day I can look like this:

or if not that, then at least this:

(Is it bad that I aspire to be moderately chubby?) Either way, I'm gonna look good.

I will say one more thing, it is not easy to get skinny. I'll keep working on it and let you know how it goes.