Trial # 3: Avoid Detection

I don't know what it is about being fat that draws the attention of everyone around you.

Now, I know I'm not just being paranoid. Whenever I stroll down the street eyes follow me. It doesn't matter if I try to stare them down. It doesn't even matter if I ignore them they just follow me. Don't get me wrong, the eyes are not just floating and staring at me, they're usually connected to some gaping adult.

Children, though, are the worst. They just keep staring and starting, mouth open, bug-eyed, and seemingly disgusted!

Ugh, I hate it. That's why I decided that when I was at my most vulnerable (i.e. trying to exercise) I would do it by the cover of darkness. You could call me the fat batman of running! Except I don't have a utility belt, a cape, and I don't really have any similarity to Batman other than we both use the cover of darkness! But outside of that, we're basically the same entity.

Anyway, I was up at 4:45 to run yesterday and I didn't run into any problems (outside of not being able to run, the extreme fatigue, muscle cramps, and perpetual death wish that was always quite close to my conception of myself). Today, however, was a different story all together.

I've already explained how I got all suited up! No, not like this. So, there I am and the last thing I want to happen is for anyone to see me. I walk out of my apartment and down the balcony to the staircase. It turns out that one of my neighbors decided it would be a great day to sit out on the balcony and use her laptop at 4:45am! C'mon lady, what's wrong with you. You should have seen her eyes. If they weren't so droopy from lack of sleep, they definitely were shocked to see me!

I quickly (and by quickly I mean rather slowly) moved as fast as I could by her (I may have actually managed to pull out .0001 mph on that exchange). There I am thinking, SUGAR! Howd' she know to look for me?? Is there some kind of sign announcing the side show attraction that is a fat man attempting to exercise? If not today, she'll tell her friends. The next thing I know, they'll be hundreds of "spectators" watching me run like a spectator sport. Except this will be like that show, Ninja Warrior, on television where the people fall off of impossibly hard obstacle courses; they will be there to laugh at me; not to root me on.


Suffice it to say, I booked it out of there as fast as my feet could carry me (roughly .05mph). I would be lucky if that were the end of it, but it wasn't.

Freaked out more than usual, I took to running in the shadows of the street, hoping to avoid any possible detection. Little did I know that running in the shadows actually meant setting of more and more motion detector lights so I was lit up like a Christmas decoration. I had a choice, stick to the shadows which get flooded with light every few seconds or run in the middle of the street where you just look like a dark shadow descending on your victims.(Yes, I know there are no victims in this story, but can't you let a fat man have some fun?).

Well, then a moth the size of a small humming bird started circling me. I was running and it was doing laps of my body. Maybe it thought it found a small building to exercise around and being a fat moth itself it was lazy and didn't want to go around one of these big 'ol buildings and chose me instead. I mean, c'mon, am I so big that I have my own gravitational field pulling in moths to orbit me as I run.

Finally, I stopped and it flew away. I'm pretty sure that it had to struggle to break free from orbit. But still I lost my second spotter of the night. If it had just been the moth, I might not have been so worried, but because I saw my neighbor and now the moth, I was starting to freak out.

I now ran down the middle of the street, no moths, no neighbors, and was ready to "enjoy" (if someone can enjoy the arduous task of forcing themselves to move one leg in front of the other for some kind of quasi-therapeutic and healthy activity) the rest of my run. When, out of nowhere I spotted it! Another fat man running! Can you believe it?!?!? Do you think he read my first entry and decided that running in the cover of darkness would save him from the embarrassment of being sighted? I don't know, but I can tell you it must have been a funny sight to see from the outside.

Here I am, running down the street at mach -1 (yeah, I wish) and here he is running from a different direction as slow as molasses. From the outside it must have looked like two tectonic plates getting ready to crash and cause a tsunami. Or it must have looked like two stationary objects somehow getting closer. Or maybe it looked even better. Maybe, it looked like two giant planets being attracted to the gravity field of another. Either way, all I know is he stopped, bug-eyed and gaped, like he's never seen another fat man. Maybe it was the outfit, I don't know. All I know is I ran faster (0.06 mph) to get away.

I don't know if you've tried to run faster once you're already running. It's not like a car where you step on the gas and BOOM you're going faster. It's like being in a rowboat, you need to really throw yourself into what you're doing to get that extra burst of speed.

At this point I was starting to freak out. What was this? Is there a conspiracy to see me run? Is it that entertaining?  I hope not because I plan to do it for the next few days.

Quick running tip. The night before a run don't eat:
1) A giant chicken sandwich
2) 2 peanut butter and honey sandwiches
3) 2 bowls of chilly
4) a glass of almond milk

For whatever reason this slowed me down.

I know what you're thinking, how could anything slow you down? Well, that's a great point. Alternatively, you may be thinking, "what's this guy's definition of slow?" To that I respond, another good point. I don't know what it was last night. I was hungry. All right.



I came home yesterday with a monster food-induced headache. This "trying to watch what I eat" is not a good idea. My body rebelled and I needed to quell the pain. So I tried to be healthy. What's better for you than chilly (uh, nothing!). And c'mon honey is a natural sweetener, nothing wrong there, right?!?

All right, I know, but at least I ran today! That must count for something!



No. All right then, today I'll see if I can stay away from any excess eating in favor of smaller portions and a better life.

Trial # 3: Avoid Detection Fat Man.
Mission Status: Failed.