Wow . . a reintrouction

So . . .

I haven't posted anything in years. YEARS.

My last post before the two I had in draft form and just released were from April of 2015. It is now October of 2016. That's crazy.

It's so cliched to be worked up over something so small.  But let me give you a giant update. I say giant because I'm not longer a Fat Man.

I'm a morbidly obese man trapped inside an elephant-sized man.

I'm the largest I've ever been and couldn't be more upset about it. I just weighed myself and the scale said, "Please wait while we scroll through the entirety of your weight." 

Over the last year I've let myself go. My exercise routine is abysmal, my confidence is shot, and, to make matters worse,  I was just getting a haircut, looked in the mirror and saw a hugely obese man staring back at me. Wow, how fat you can get when you eat anything you want at any time for any reason.

I realize with great shame that I'm not even trying. And it shows. So where do we go from here? 

In the past, I've committed myself to lofty goals of exercise routines, I've gotten ready for big events, and I've motivated myself through regular postings and letting you know how focused I've become. 

But it's become clear that I'm never going to be a normal-sized person. I will now need the belt extender on the airplane. When I'm not breaking chairs, I will find them too narrow for my overly humongous ass. 

That's all to say that I'm giving up, packing it in, and thanking you for reading. 

My apologies that this turned into a workout update blog, and a very bad one at that. The first couple of posts had hope, humor, and, most importantly,  fat a message worth spreading. 

Now, I have to decide how to move forward. How to continue in life until the inevitable happens. Until I have the innevitable heart attack or belly explosion that is sure to befall an obese man. 

Thank you for taking the ride, I hope you have better luck with your fitness and size-related goals.

- The Fat Obese Man 

Day __ (of 110): It's raining fat . . .

And when it rains it pours.

That one small bit of cake thrust me into a fat spiral that rivals even the most embarrassing overeating I've ever done. 

Reintroducing sugar took everything I was already eating and made it taste like shit.

In just the one week that I ate that cake I've made the following colossal mistakes:

1. Ate 3 whole cartons of macaroons until I felt  sick to my stomach and then did it again the next day.

2. Started drinking soda on the regular 

3. Ate McDonald's and KFC chicken

4. Ate so many meaty subway sandwiches!

Diet on the destroy! All because of some sugar cake?!? I'm desperate to get back on track. I have a fitting for a suit this Saturday and I'm going to be drastically differently sized come later in the summer when I'll need it. I can't believe that I'm failing so epicly when I'm just so close. 

It's time to refocus.

I tried seeing how many push-ups I could do and discovered that I can barely get through 10 in a row. 

I somehow need to firmly invest in all aspects of my plan to ensure that I'm back in it to win it come the end of June.

The sad thing is that I've made progress but I'm afraid to even weigh myself for fear that I've competed wiped out any limited success that I've had over the last 3 months! 

Time to reinvest fat man. 

No distractions, excuses, or failures. Starting tomorrow at 6am it's time to be in it again. Hard.

It's time to re detox. 

Day 59 (of 110): No Excuses

I've entered the mourning period of my weight gain.

This is where I mourn what I've lost (in this case a smaller, lighter, and more energetic body) and resign to my fate as a continued Fatman.

I was just watching a Casey Neistst [casey.nyc]YouTube video where he said that free time is the enemy of progress. If that is the case, I'm screwed.

As you might have inferred from my incredibly predictable lack of posting, I've essentially failed my 110 day goal of getting into crazy good shape.

For starters, I've made some terrible decisions. I went with a friend to taste cakes a couple of weeks ago. Yes, you read that right. I went to go taste cake. As in to willfully eat sugar, a substance I've struggled against my whole life. A substance that has a controlling effect over all of my actions. Like a heroin addict reintroduced to some dope, I am now woefully and inexplicably hooked again. 

Well I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I'm so dialed into bad decision making that I've all but given up on getting into shape.

It's funny: my thought process seems to be as addicted as I am. 

It's like this little voice in my head justified all the terrible decisions and plays with my logical choices by saying:  You're screwed.

Day 41-48 (of 110): Techno-Reboot Power Level 1 Million

I know I've been neglecting my blogging duties.

But I've had limited success with my techno reboot.

I went out and got myself a Fitbit and have been using it for the last week and half.

Funny story. I started out my first day and I was like, "Let's yoga this piece up!"

And you know what happened I pulled something in my groin.

But I've been pumping it out with running and yoga for the last week and a half and now I am a champion.

It's happening!

Only 62 days to go . . . ah!

- The Fat Man

Day 40 (of 110): Yogi Fail

The time filters by without the weight loss and with a disaster of proportionate understanding. 

I was all geared up for my techno boost. I jumped into yoga and, wouldn't you believe it, I pulled s muscle in my groin! Can you believe it? 

I can because I have the luck of a goldfish. 

I did make it to 10,000 steps and otherwise am on track. But for the most part I have failed. Once again. 

60 days left only. 

Only 60 days!!

I've got to get it together!

-The Fat Man

Day 39 (of 110): Techno Boost

That's it. 

243.0 lbs 

My fat ass has gained five pounds since returning from vacation. I lost weight on vacation.  But, because I felt deprived while on vacation, I've binged like crazy since I got back. Not to mention eating that sugary shitty treat on the flight back that jump started a series of bad decisions that ultimately turned into my fat ass gaining five pounds! 

Did I need to eat at Bennihana on Tuesday? No! Peer fricken pressure.

Did I need to engorge myself the next day? No. I blame the fat and my weak willpower.

C'mon Fat Man, get it together. Get your fat-ass head back in the game. Dig deep. Fight back against your inclinations to be such a fat shit and get back on track.

Stop coming home tired and sitting on the couch for three hours watching tv before bed!! It's shameful! 

When was the last time you did any exercise? What, you did the elliptical like a sissy man for 21 minutes and you think you deserve a pass on ridicule? 

Go eat a carrot you fat shit. Stop stuffing your pie hole and learn to control yourself. How about this, if you don't want to be fat anymore, then don't be fat. Get out there. Do something with yourself.

Well, now that I've gotten that scolding out of the way, let's see where we left off.

I made some progress getting to week 3 of the hundred push-up challenge and then going back to week one so I could work my way up. The upside here is that I definitely have enough strength to do a full yoga routine. 

I lost 10 lbs in a month. Seriously, it's embarrassing.

I've started doing some basic elliptical.

My diet—with the exception of this week—has been very healthy indeed.

So what can I do to kick this thing into high gear? 

TECHNO BOOST!!!!

And by that I do not mean listening to techno music and working out harder.

I mean utilizing technology to start doing what I should have been doing from the very beginning. 

I just purchased a fitness tracker (I'll talk about this more when it gets here). I should be able to use this to monitor my movement and motivate myself to move more, even if it is just to meet the goal of 10k steps a day. 

Moreover, I'm going to use the crap out of the accompanying app to make sure that I'm up and ready to keep tracking.

Finally, I'm going to read some of doctor fuhrlman's book every day to keep myself focused and motivated.

Let's see what happens!! 71 days to go! 

- The Fat Man 

Day 38: Fat Man Strikes Again

Alone on the dark streets of a suburb near you, the Fat Man lurks in the shadows. Afraid to be seen in the light, in case his rolls of fat scare those around him away. As he lurks in the shadows, the Fat Man strikes fear into the hearts of the skinny everywhere. 

He can crush them with a single blow of his large weight. 

And he will find you when you least expect it. 

------------------------------------------------

Last night, I once again became the Fat Man. I was tired and hungry. And I did not care. My binge-eating side said F-it, just go for it. And Inlistened. 

I entered into my local grocery store, went right to the prepared food section selected vegetable lo-mein, seasame cold-noodles with chicken, apple and  sweet noodle kugel, as well as a box of coconut-infused dates.

I then took all of these items home and engorged  myself with reckless abandon while chugging down some diet root bear and watching television. 

To the obese, depressed, socially-inept, and misanthropic Fat Man within me it was heaven.

As if in a disembodied out-of-body experience, I was simultaneously overjoyed and repulsed.

It was both an amazingly cathartic experience and a lesson in abject disgust.

Afterwards, I was sufficiently full. Engorged. Over-stuffed. Sick to my stomach. And, as usual, disgusted by what I had done.

The sad part is that I must have known what I was doing. I remember thinking about the mantra but still caving anyway.

Who knows how far back this will set me back. If nothing else, it will reset the clock with respect to how long it takes me to get over this extraneous fat and sugar. I now need to fight off the hardest part- the detox. I have to get my body back to not craving, which is so hard.

Even as I sit here writing this, thoughts of white pizza float through my mind. I have a salad for lunch which will hopefully keep me satisfied until dinner. 

Ugh, set backs. 

- The Fat Man

Day 33-37 (of 110): in trouble

I know I'm in trouble. 

I'm on an upward slide. That granola bar in the plane, with its attendant sugar content, and the subsequent bad choices have made me start gaining weight.

Because I had no choice my food consumption was incredibly strict because I was at another's whim. On this strict diet, I dropped down to 238. However, since being back, I'm back up to 142.3.

And I've been making bad choices. The craving to binge has been there and I've fed into it. I've binged hard. 

And since my trip my exercise consumption is way down. Now I've run twice since being back but that's it. No push-ups, no yoga. And I'm feeling it. 

I'm getting more winded and more flabby. But I need the opposite to be the case. C'mon Fat Man, get it together. You only have 73 days to whip yourself into shape.  If you really focus from this point out you can be at an ideal weight before the 110 days end.

I need to refocus both on keeping this record, on eating well, and on exercising. Not to mention, finally taking steps towards the last trial. I need to start disconnecting. My television addiction is out of hand. I need to be moving more and putting all of that soul-sucking, intelligence-draining, mind-numbing television watching behind me. If I didn't focus on television, ill either get more sleep,  and consequently be more productive.

I know that television makes me lethargic, lazy, and sucks all of my free time. It's a story in extreme dysfunction. 

So why don't I just shut up and get it done? I don't know, I guess I think by writing it down and being more conscious of the issues, I can begin the process of being aware of my shortcomings and fix them. Even just by focusing on my failures, I hope that I will be forced to address them. 

Ok 73 days to go! 

Time to crunch! 

- The Fat Man 

Day 25-32 (of 110): Diversionary Tactics

GIt's been a a week since my last post. Te clock kicks indefatigably ticking towards the big day. We're kow at only 72 days away. 

Please don't think I've fallen off the wagon. Instead, I've been outside of Internet for the past week. I took a trip far far away from my home town. 

I have to say, it is incredibly hard to do the right thing while on vacation. Moreover, there are simply not that many good options when you are traveling abroad. I've come to expect a certain level of access to fresh produce to make my pan-seared and ateamed vegetables. While traveling through countless airports, however, I can honestly say that having fresh, vegetable-based (but not oil-coated) choices is incredibly hard to find. 

I've mostly subsisted off of airportsalad a. To say the least, I've been hungry for the Better part of the week because I've yet to find satisfying vegetable experience.

With that said, I have tried extremely hard to find the right choices but I've made to big mistakes. First I had cheese on my enchilada and I had two granola bars. 

I know in going to be paying for those mistakes when I start getting the cravings back and when I have to go through patrols detox. I'm hoping, however, that the very small amounts will help me stay straight and true to my style of eating! 

Exercise has also been few and far between. I have a significant number of push-ups to make up. And it's time to make some huge dents in the yoga doin department. 

All in all, however, I think I am invigorated and ready to start my journey towards better health over the next 78 days. 

Thanks for listening!

- The Fat Man 

Day 24 (of 110): Falling Down the Fat Man Hole

And it continues. 

I'm seriously not trying to gain weight. I promise. I've been brutally and unconditionally honest here. I have not "cheated," and I continue to do all I need. My only conclusion is I'm so fat my body has just resigned to being fat and will continue to force me to do so! 

Day 23 (of 110): Drowning in a Sea of Fat

Day 23

It's frankly depressing. I look in the mirror and all I see is fat. I see fat dropping from my face, my nose, my eyelids, and my neck.  And then, as I work my way downward, it just gets worse. My chest is heavy, floppy with the extra fat hanging off what I can only assume is a big-boned frame—a body that is equally large beneath the massive weight it must carry. And yet, I'm not convinced that it is actually a big frame. I think, I hope, that I'm actually a small-framed person, a skinny man, trapped inside this fat body.

As my eyes move downward in the mirror—something I try never to do intentionally—I see the worse part: my stomach. At this point, however, it's hard to think of it as a stomach, but more of a growth, a tragic outpouring of fat, that overcomes the rest of my body turning me into a large amorphous blob. 

I've been fat a long time. I've seen many fat men and noticed there are degrees to of being fat. At the most basic, there is pudge - all the normal, skinny body shaped but that is a little less chiseled and more blobby. Then there is the tire-person: a large fat tire, like an inner tuber surrounding a relatively regular persons body. It surrounds the abdomen, sides, and back. But then when the fat has nowhere else to go it starts to invade the rest of the body, blanketing the body in fat and literally causing the rest of the body to inflate. If done quickly, it even has the unfortunate side effect of stretching the skin and causing marks. 

Then there is the truly obese, where the elasticity of the skin in the abdomen region has become so full with fat that it can no longer support the weight of the fat and the fat sags over the frame of the body. Like deflating tires causing overhangs of unsightly fat, this grotesque outpouring literally drags the body down in the abdomen region, the back, the sides, and creates the appearance of a blob. 

Finally when there is no place for the fat to go, the entire body expands and expands, and droops and droops like the scene frame willy wonks and the chocolate factory when the girl turns into a blueberry. The person literally becomes a dripping fat ball, it's disgusting. 

The worst part of working for the better part of a month is not seeing any progress in the mirror. Even if I lost no weight, I'd be okay if the size of the fat on my body shrunk to manageable levels and made me look like a normal person but they haven't. 

I started to do push-ups and felt so fat. Seeing my reflection in the TV, I could only see the drooping fat. It was entirely depressing. 

When will I start to see more progress. When can I avoid these flash-cravings to binge eat everything in sight? Hopefully soon!

But with only 87 more days to go, I'm worried. I don't want to be so fat at this event. 

- The Fat Man

Day 22 (of 110): Fat Ass Blues

245.3 

I gained two pounds! This is awful.

I can't believe that goin crazy on some dates and not exercising would lead to weight gain! 

I can't accept that!

I've been working so hard, how could I possivle have gained weight! 

Ugh. 

All right. I'm not giving up but I'm pissed! 

This will not stand! 

Time to reinvigorate. I'm still exhausted today. In going home after work napping it up and then getting a full night's sleep so that I can finally get back into the swing of things!

There are only 88 days to go and here I am moving backwards! I can't even tell you how frustrating this is! 

Well I'm not going to give up! I'm going to keep pushing it. I will make up for this grave error! 

- The Fat Man

Day 21 (of 110): So Tired

All weekend I didn't get sleep. Up until 1-2am on Friday and Saturday and Sunday out all day with getting to sleep until 11 and up at 5.

It's amazing, my apetite is so much greater when I'm tired. I feel like all I want to do is sleep and if I can't do that, I'll eat so that I can stay awake.

Luckily, I've had the fortitude to resist the extra eating for the most part. 

But on my way home I stopped got a bunch of delicious diet sodas and has myself two cartons of dates. I don't care how bad they are for me: dates are the candy of the natural world. 

I'm not sure if I should regret having the dates or not but it was nice to come home, watch a movie and get some dates.

Update: dates and soda was a terrible idea. I was exhausted so I took a nap afterward (after I was sufficiently satisted and full) . Then when I woke up, I ate dinner quickly and began work on a motion that kept me up to 11:30. It wa awful. 

Then I couldn't fall asleep and stayed up until 1am.  Suffice it to say, I am now exhausted today as well. And I didn't get much exercise in either. 

Let's just say reboot fail. 

89 days to go. 

- The Fat Man 

 

Day 20 (of 110): Dance The Night Away

That was quick. 

I made sure not to eat anything inappropriate today (Sunday). Instead, I went to the city and had a dance lesson! 

It was exhilarating to do something different! I loved learning new moves and trying them out. 

All in all it felt great to be able to do some exercise that wasn't scripted. At one point I was doing some lifts: a basic dancers lift where we both bend down and then the girl rockets up into the guys arms. And I tried it with a different more well-built girl and I ended up toppling over! It was awful. 

It just reminded me of how weak I really am. I couldn't even lift a dancer! 

That was a little sobering. At the end of the day, though, it was all about me getting in some exercise. I celebrated with a nice healthy dinner from Moe's a salad with grilled peppers and veggies! 

So far my progress this week has been good and I'm hoping I reap the rewards of positive changes! 

90 days to go!

- The Fat Man

Day 19 (of 110): Reboot

Day 19

Okay, it's the weekend and it's time for renewal. Failures over the last week: eating eat too many smoothies. Instead of making them and only drinking one cup worth, I end up drinking a whole pitcher and consuming enough calories to last the whole day. Another failure: letting my injury and work stand in the way of my exercise routine.

I'm lucky enough to own an elliptical. But I live in an apartment so every time I use it, I run the risk of pudding off my downstairs neighbor. To strike a truce, I agreed only to use it between 7:30am and 9pm. Which is fine but I'm often out of the house at work at those times. Doin push-ups and yoga has been slow because I didn't want to let my injury get in the way.

So here with only 91 days to go, I need to recommit. I want to drop another 3-5 pounds this week, so I'm going reinvest in the program even more heavily-nothing insppropriate. And heavy exercise base. 

Now that I know I have this binge-eating thing (or at least think I do), I'm going to do everything in my power to slow down when I eat. I'll also try to only eat with others. No eating in secret by myself. 

As of now, I continue to fail with this reconnecting/disconnecting thing. I want to disconnect from my devices and reconnect to the world, but TV.

So I have my work cut out for me this week. Let's see what kind of damage I can do! My goal: eat myself - fat removal at the highest level. 

- The Fat Man

Day 18 (of 110): Explanation Station

I know I dropped a potential bomb yesterday evening and then just left to go to bed. As is typical with my cycles of dieting, I start out very exciting and make some limited progress and then my body kicks back in and I end up giving up. This usually happen when "life gets in the way," in effect, when I have other things to do and cannot devote 110% of my attention to blogging and dieting. 

And yet, I am not less motivated. In fact, I have such a strong motivation that I'm getting ready to jump back into it! 

But let me explain. Last night I said I of it have binge eating disorder. I also admitted I have no idea what that is. But if the name is any indication, I have it.

I know that the way i best like to ingest bad food is to binge it. Now I'm not taking about bulimia where I binge and then immediately purge. No, I have the much worse disorder: I just eat quickly and shamefully (often in secret) and live with the consequences. 

When I was little, my parents used to hide candy around the house because I would eat it all so quickly. But I would find it and secrete let binge it all! 

So today I set about figuring out what binge-eating disorder is all about. I Googled it and found bingeeatingdisorder.com. 

According to the website one of the symptoms of the disorder is eating beyond when you are full. I can't stress enough how often I've done this. And that is incredibly disconcerting.

But I feel like admitting I have binge-eating disorder, is giving up. It's not a disorder, I'm okay to give it a go and try to beat it. Maybe just knowing that I tend towards binge-eating will help me overcome it. Or maybe I need therapy. Either way, let's beat this thing. 

92 days to go. And today is the day I put myself back into public. It's been the better part of three weeks and I'm only 9 pounds down. I've got quite a way to go and I'll do that trough recommitment to my goals. 

- The Fat Man 

Day 17 (of 110): BED

Day 17

So there are only two days until y public showing of my fantasy body and I'm still fat as hell. C'mon weight, get off me without me having to do anything or try very hard. 

I think I have BED : Binge Eating Disorder

I'm not quite sure what it is but I saw an advertisement for the condition that featured a heavy set woman and the acronym BED.

Is there really a disorder to explain why I always feel the need to get so full I feel it?

I hope so and I hope I can learn to turn it off. Stop from guzzling everything in sight.

I need a way outl

Only 93 more days. 

– The Fat Man

Day 16 (of 110): slump

As the novelty of this new plan wears off, I find myself backsliding into poor habits. 

I did check y weight: 244.9, not ugh of an achievement but definitely something. 

But with my hand injury I haven't done the hundred push-up challenge or yoga and my appetite is advancing at a rapid rate.

Uh oh

- the Fat Man

Day 15 (of 110): Recovery

As crazy as the last few days have been, I have maintained my journey. 

I have continued to eat properly. Even on Sunday morning, hungover and with a broken finger—I continued to eat properly. I attended a friend's birthday brunch at a bougie east-side brunch place. Everything on the menu was weird meats or butter-infused breakfast items. But I was good, I had a salad and continued on with proper eating.

And yet, with the busted finger I was reluctant to do any exercise lest I injure it. Instead, I went and got an x-Ray and was placed into a giant cast that completely immobilized my entire hand.

Finally, today, I was able to see a specialist and get the giant cast removed. Now my exercise prospects are looking up but maybe not for another week or so. 

And I was unable to weight myself this morning, but I did weigh myself yesterday. I weighed 244 when I next checked, but I'm unsure if that really reflects what had happened over the week. So I will check again tomorrow

morning. 

As I start to recover, I will continue to push forward and carry on with the plan. We'll see what happens during the next 95 days.

– The Fat Man

Day 13 and 14 (of 110): Sloppy Mistakes

So you may have said, where's my day 13 and 14? What's taking the Fat Man so long to write? Did he give up already?

Good and bad news. I did not give up but I did become a sloppy mess and make some incredibly bone-headed mistakes.

On Saturday night, I weighed myself to see what I was up against. 147.3 pounds. Almost a full week later and almost no weight loss. .7 lbs? Ugh. 

But it was good motivation. I hunkered down, ate a salad, and headed out to an event I was attending. I brought some gin with me so I could stay colorically light despite drinking. 

That was mistake number 1.

 I should not be drinking during this cleanse of mine. I only have 96 days to get everything together. Moreover, eating only light fair my stomach was not equipped to handle the influx of alcohol. Add to that the issues with the food at the event. 

I was not going to eat crap, so I ended up eating only the veggies I could and drinking at the open bar. Whoops.

Enter mistake number 2.

After getting sufficiently intoxicated that I was no longer making rational choices, I started handfisting cheese. Let me explain a little better. By this I mean taking handfuls of Swiss, Cheddar, and other cheeses (something that I would not be interested in normally as I don't even eat dairy), and stuffing them into my mouth. I'm not even sure I tasted the cheese. 

Finally, I made the move towards home and my body rejected the cheese and the alcohol. I'm not even sure how much cheese my body managed to digest.

And that leads to mistake number 3.

This was perhaps the biggest mistake of the night. I, unsurprisingly, fell on my way home and broke my finger in 2 different places.

Now while this is an inconvenience it would not normally be a big deal. However now I am on a position where I can't do the hundred push-up challenge or yoga, two huge mainstays in my 110-day plan. 

The worst part was with the break, getting X-rays and the cast, going to follow-up doctors, I have not exercised since Saturday's yoga.

We'll see what happens in the next 96 days.

– The Fat Man